Incoherent notes

Today, I

Today i Was so tired that i laid down And then wanted your arms so much i cried Then i got up and built a shelf

Today i Tried to watch a movie Then realized how much loss permeates media and watched a documentary instead

Today i Did not want to wake up without you Then i did it anyway and pretended it did not hurt

Today i Loved you still Then i told myself never forget and hoped i would dream of you

(the next morning)

It is not that i was reliant on you. i can build a shelf. i am an independent woman, you would jokingly tell me. But it is that you were not there to show the shelf too. It is that you were not there to give me a hug, because it is the touch i miss most.

Things seep out, ooze, and then the dam breaks. It is now a regular occurrence and i know grief is my new best friend. It is so shallow, yet deep. Empty. Or i am empty.

i built the shelf, i want to tell you. i made dinner. i ate it. i picked up all the random mail i have been ignoring. i can do this, i want to tell you, even though i do not want to. They say i am strong, but i would like to choose to not be right now. i do not think my strength is this kind, this version. i do not want to have to develop this skill.

i may seem, but i am not.

today is a new day, and i will still love you. i will still think the steps i think i hear are yours. i will continue, without.

over 2 years ago

P. Kim Bui